If Only .... [is just an excuse]

I did find a new job and the hours are perfect: 8:30-12:30 pm, M-F. I get to still be Amelia's mommy every afternoon and I am thrilled.

So I was a full-time mommy/housewife for 2.5 months. I used to think "If only I had time during the day by myself, I would get SO much done." Well, folks it didn't happen. I am really trying to figure out why. Sure, I spent a good deal of time looking for a new job. In December I also spent many hours volunteering at Amelia's school (like 2-3 hours a day, every day), plus all the [I hate to say] chores associated with Christmas. And even with that extra time, Christmas still wasn't as um, Christmas-y as I thought it would be. There still wasn't all the extra time to make the most delicious, prettiest cookies ever, put the most fantastic and pefectly-matched ribbons on gifts, and all that other Hallmark hooey. I mean, really, where DO I get these ideas from?!?!?

Anyhow, back to the present. I did get some things accomplished, some drawers organized, some unwanted items out, some projects mended/fixed. But there isn't the complete overhaul I was expecting I could accomplish. So perhaps I need to look a little internally for the answers then, rather than the "if only .."'s. Clearly the "if only"'s in life are not the answer and letting myself get caught up on that is a stumbling block to progress in my life.

One thing I realized about myself is that I suck at putting things away. I am so busy with more than one thing at a time, moving onto the next thing, etc. that I don't put things away. Then at the end of the it, even though I clean up the messiest stuff along the way (like putting food away), there is often a huge mess everywhere by the end of the day, and I am exhausted from everything I was doing that created the mess! I think some prioritizing is in order. (haha, pun intended)

Amelia had to earn money to buy a Hello Kitty she wanted from Build-a-Bear so having her do chores really has helped. Her continued issue at school with being easily distracted also brought home (literally) the realization that we move from one thing to another way to easily in our home. So she and I are both trying to focus better on what we are actually doing, and finishing it - including putting things away when we're done. And wow, this is hard!!!

So what started out as a post on my new job meandered into "if only" (so I retitled the post) and ended on our need to "focus". Yes, focus. That is definitely a work in progress ... can't even do it well in a blog post! LOL.

Day 2

Day 2 of unemployment. I made good use of my time yesterday. I transcribed a tape (my sideline work for 15+ years) and cleaned the living room. Today I went Christmas shopping, although it was a bit more modest given the employment circumstances.

Overall, I feel pretty free and happy, to be honest.

And it snowed this afternoon. I don't like snow because I don't like driving in it on mountain roads, but I loved watching my daughter dance and play in it!

That Christmas Feeling

How much do we rely on the outside to give us that Christmas feeling? Inside my everyday house it still feels everyday. Do I need to turn on the TV, go to the store, listen to the radio? It seems like I used to get that Christmas-y feeling on my own and the outside influences only reinforced it.

Perhaps it's just that I am getting older. It's been four years since my dad died and so a lot of the nostalgia part is gone for good and that is really sinking in.

The commercialism is over the top. Everyone is saying it ... and it's true.

And really, I think for the above two reasons, the magic of it all is just gone for me. It's like after I went to Universal Studios and saw how the movies are made. The special effects just aren't so special anymore.

Perhaps it will be different once December arrives. After all, it's still just November! (Ever the optimist, I am.)

Gratitude

I noticed as Thanksgiving approached that there were a lot of on-line and print media articles on gratitude and all its positive effects on our psyche and health. "They" (researchers, scientists, doctors, etc.) are saying there is quantitative evidence that gratitude increases the quality of our lives. There are differences that appear in our brains based on scans from people who kept gratitude journals, for example. "They" say people are happier since they regularly focus on the things and people that bring them joy and that this sense of gratitude makes them feel more connected with their communities.

For a couple of years now I've made a New Year's resolution to be more positive. Like most New Year resolutions, whether it's losing weight or whatever, it lasts about two hours. So perhaps I am going about it wrong. Instead of trying to be more positive, I should be more grateful.

A couple of weeks ago at the end of my dance class we were asked what we were thankful for, and everyone took a turn. I know I left there feeling a lot lighter and even happier than I normally feel.

Right now I am grateful for a lot, actually. My health, my daughter's health (although she's battling a cold), my car being paid off and still dependable, my house. I am also grateful that if I have to be laid off, that it's at a time of year that allows me to have more time with my daughter to make Christmas special. I am always planning to have that "perfect" Christmas where we decorate leisurely, bake lots of cookies and share lots of Christmas-related fun. Instead, everything is squeezed into everyday life and the next thing you know, it's time to pack everything up again. So this might finally be that year where we have the time to do everything we want and at a pace where we can keep the smiles on our faces. It's nice to dream, er, have a goal!

Housekeeping

We have company coming for Thanksgiving and I am not ready. My house is in no way, shape or form stellar. But whose standards am I using? My perceived standards of my pending guests? If so, why should that matter? I ponder these things.

It is my full intention to work on my clutter and housekeeping once my job is over and my company is gone. Doing it for me seems so much different (better?) than doing it for others. But am I really doing it for me, or doing it for yet another person's [perceived] standards? Is getting my house in order a priority because I think it should be based on how I was raised, what society thinks, etc.? I ponder that, too.

What is it I want for my home?

And why do I care what my company thinks of my home as long as they have good food and a good time? I am pondering that, too.

Late June 2011

I turned 40 this past June. Unlike a lot of folks, it didn't bother me. I figured I have made it this far .. yay!

I had a health scare a couple of years ago, so that put some perspective on it. I also am a homeowner with a good husband, a great kid and a part-time job that allows me to drop her off at school and pick her up everyday. I had a lot to show for making it to 40.

When I turned 30 it was a different story. I had just finished my college degree ... a long and winding road. I had a new job and a new car, but no kids. And then September 11th happened. Overall, it was just not a good summer.

I figured a blog of musings, thoughts, reflections, etc. would be a good outlet. Now that I've been laid off, effective next week, it will be downright therapeutic I think.

I've always worked and even when I gave birth to my daughter I only took 3 weeks off. (Job had no maternity leave and too small a company for FMLA protection.) In the back of my mind I always thought I'd have some time to finally do all those rainy day projects like putting together photo albums and writing. What happened to those August days in high school where I was bored? Well, now that I finally have some time and when I'm not busy looking for a job, I am going to do those things that have been piling up. This blog will help me be accountable.

I am certainly inspired by the energy and output of other bloggers.  If they can do it all, so can I. I just need to get my act together. And do a little more reflecting on life and what matters most besides/in addition to a paycheck.